All This Foster Child Wanted

       He came from another foster home as many do. Many foster children move around. I've seen ads on TV where kids are paid to say, and yet I know it's true, "all I remember is moving around and having things taken away from me".
         Here's what I know about these two things. Don't we take away things from our own children as a consequence? Now moving around is another story. Many, many kids dislike the rules so much they continue to make living in a home so stressful and I'm sure reading this you may think, well you don't make your own kids move. Correct. Yet in foster care sometimes the goal of a child, or teen is to keep trying new homes until he or she gets what they want and there are many homes that give kids, their own TV, a game system overload on snacks, anything so the foster parents don't have to bother especially if they're being paid well. Yes, many are paid very well, but never enough to put up with the following:

• Getting called to school daily
• being told to go F yourself
• punching holes in the walls
• firesetters
• sexual issues
• masturbating on the toilet seat
• destroying rooms
• breaking a parents personal items
• Cursing in a conversation as if its an everyday and okay thing to do
• listening to a parent use the bathroom
• Having the police at your door about every second day
• refusing to get on or out of a van
• threatening to blow up a school, jump off a building and so much more

These are really a few reasons why parents give their notice among having to stay all night or ten until a hospital finds another hospital that will accept the child with so many issues, that many residential hospitals won't accept a child. My last child was moved to another state for just that reason.

          Now the little guy I'm talking about J, only wanted to be adopted, that's all. He loved the family he was with and they loved him. But one day he overstepped his boundaries looking for attention and tried to seriously hurt himself, but it was all fake. That was enough for the mother to call and give her notice. She was afraid but realized a few minutes later she jumped the gun, called back and said it was a mistake. The agency said too late . They called me right away and I took him. He stayed about two to three months. He had a medical issue which wasn't a problem, but he also wouldn't listen to a curfew, He was I believe, thirteen and so cute. HE loved dogs, wanted me to get him one.

       No, I tried that before and wouldn't work for me. I loved taking the kids on trips, buying nice clothes, out to eat at better restaurants so they learn social skills . HE kept asking me about adoption and I was honest, I wasn't young enough, He kept taking off, running out in bare feet, hurting himself. Finally I was told to take him to the ER to take care of a problem, then get him to a residential about an hour away. Getting him home and trying to get meds into him., I promised McDonalds which he loved and we rarely went to. HE fell asleep in the car, but I went through Mc D's anyway, got him to this horrible place where I drove through two huge steel doors, like a dam!

     Once awake and inside it still took him a few minutes to realize where he was. He was repeatedly told this would happen by the agency. The agency rep who should have taken him would have been very impersonal, but I knew after this one time at this place, I'd never, ever do it again.

       I remember even now, his tone of voice, his pleading, Nancy, don't leave me, please don't leave me here, about eight times until they told me to go. The drive home at ten o'clock was memorable with memories of us having silly giggling times and long talks about everything imaginable.

     It took him a few months to adjust and behave, finally accepting if he was to ever get out of that place he needed to simply bee good, not so simple. Yet he made it. It wasn't long before that a family was found and this time, finally he found his new and forever dad and mom. HE wanted a dad so much and he also got his dog. His dream came true. 

       One Christmas at an airport I received a call from a man asking if I was who I was. Yes, this is me. He asked if I remembered J and I said Hell yes ! He explained the events that led to adoption and they were on their way to Montana, I think, for the holidays and that J now also has a dog. HE said J talks about me often. kool, made me happy. Then he asked, would you like to take to him? He really is anxious to take to you. IT felt wonderful to know this wonderful boy was happy, adopted and that his dream came true. We talked a few more times that year, then I let go. He's happy and he has my number if he wants to call, but I think that need is gone. Stay Happy J   !

Adoption Stipends, your Child Support

       Have you adopted? Thought about adopting? Yes it is wonderful that you are considering or close to adopting. Depending on how you're about to do this and if you will receive a stipend, please make sure you are really aware and have an attorney standing by.
      Laws change all the time. As parents you will be responsible for all that you know and all that you don't know.  Such as, you ask ?  Here are a few examples concerned with adopting children from foster care. Lets start with the problems these children bring with them, in that invisible suitcase. Not the one you see packed with clothes, but the one you will know all about as they relax, as they get to know, how you too really are and how they will start to becomes their true selves, who they really are.
       Each child is so very different even though they may have the same diagnosis. Remember, gender, age and family background, personalities, cultures, religions and experiences are individual. So when a caseworker or an agency, or children and youth tell you,"oh you know, she's Bi-Polar, so you know how that goes" as an example. Bull.
     In some ways that isn't any different than your own children and parents say, well they were all treated the same. If true, that's sad. One child may love hugs and the other doesn't. One child may prefer cartoons and another would rather play with blocks. Get the point? Same home, same parents, different personalities.
    Back to adoption. As children move in, become used to you, familiar with how they will be treated, consequences and all, your soft spots, your nature, and your forgiving heart, they start to peel away their own outer layers, like an artichoke. Defiance takes another look, no longer just saying NO! Now it's Fuck You, I don't have to listen to you, you're not my real mom or dad! Damages start to happen. Others properties are destroyed out of jealousy. After property damages, it becomes personal. Therapy isn't helping. Other children live in fear and parents don't sleep. no one sleeps as they used to, all because you decided to give a child a permanent home. Now it's as if your children are on the outside looking in and maybe now it's them who need therapy. FAIR???  Hell No , it isn't fair !
       Now school issues are also apparent with calls every day until finally suspension and your child, your newly adopted child is only ten or eight or twelve. No one has any idea how to help this child. Mental illness,, along with anger and jealousy has taken over. Of course that child wonders why his own parents don't want him or her, can't, won't, or not able because they too have mental health problems. That's how it travels , from one generation to another and one opposite gender to another. To sum it all up, this has now come all added up in the child you just adopted, times six generations.
      Okay now it's just you, this child, your other children and your other adopted children, a husband and maybe grandma is living there too. One night, one lonely quiet night this child's mind works overtime. He finds, or she finds matches, or a gun, or a bat or maybe just a pillow. Think the worst. Chances are it has happened. If not someone has been severely hurt and this child has been removed. Police are called and now you start to learn. You have to pay for that call. This child has been sent to different places as he or he is very dangerous, a new diagnosis, and now you have to pay child support. FAIR ????  Not to me. Why ?
     Yes, you made the choice to make that child now yours, at a stipend so low that you can't  afford to pay child support, but the state says you have to. So you may be labeled deadbeat parents. BULL !  Who ever would think you have to pay support for a child who you adopted and is a psychotic insane criminal ? No one, not one person. So we wonder why adoption sites have children waiting for years. Those sites show bio's that are only a few nice things. This is not the reality of these poor kids. I think the laws have to change about adoption and natural parents. If they are not able, don't care, won't take care of their kids, a red flag needs to be placed on their social security numbers to help with any kind of support.  Twenty five percent of disability need to be taken to go to the adoptive parent as is done with other parents own children
    Adoptive parents save states millions in care and this is the thank you, the respect they get back? Someone else and genetics sadly messed up this child up and now who has to pay? The only parents who would take him or her into their home, adding insult to injury and there will be a lot of injury. More than you will ever imagine, there will be.

   Unless you adopt a baby, you are receiving an invisible suitcase, invisible baggage overflowing with  unseen, unfelt at times, horrors. This is a harsh reality. I know of parents who feel adoption is a mistake, not the child, but the FINALITY of adoption. Many adopted children are back in foster care. That stipend? It goes back to pay for care. Please be careful, get an attorney and ask for all records prior to learning the hard way, the hardest of ways, the UNSEEN BAGGAGE.

Good luck is not enough to say. Prayer helps, but having  Warren Buffet as a realtive may help a lot more.
     
     

Parents? How many Chances ?

    I'm sure many have read the recent article about a so called man who left his baby in the hot car while he worked a seven hour shift and the police found  a  search on his computer about how long does it take for an animal to die in a hot car. The police also say it isn't proven yet if he was the one to complete the search.
   Sometimes I do hate to be fair. I know if you are under so much stress you do almost forget and even forget a sleeping baby in the back seat, but you still have to take the punishment and sure many will say but he's already punished enough.

   Well I for one am sick of seeing so many neglectful and even abusive parents get chance after chance to bring a child home , only  to do it again. Is this all because of the cost? If a child goes back home, that means no more foster care costs. If a child is adopted the state still pays a stipend until the child is either eighteen or twenty-two and in college, and the same with kin-ship foster care and guardianship, so do they just want to save the state money at the cost of the life of a child? End of Story. Or is it ?

Who Are Your Parents?

       Do you really know? Have you seen your birth certificate? Why aren't people answering your questions? Kids have a right in my opinion to know birth parents, the real birth parents and yes, I know, every situation is different. But here is a situation I am very aware of. A man dies, leaves behind grown kids who have families of their own, but also a son who very well could be his as that man now has two different birth dates, so who was lying to him. While I know that man was a louse, that doesn't make me unfair to his inheritance.
    There are other situations-KNOW WHO YOU MARRY ! Boy is that hard because you love one another and trust each other. But I know a few situations where men have married, had  kids, and moved on, some not even divorcing their spouses. Why? Because it costs money. So those kids from those marriages grow up and either never meet, may meet and have different versions of that rotten father or nice father or even by a slight chance marry each other not know they're related.
     How many half siblings know about each other and how many want to meet or not? Maybe one does, pops up unexpectedly feeling elated to finally meet, but then, disappointment. That other sibling never wanted to meet anyone who was related to the rat of a parent who had a child and left only to raise another family or families.
    People should join ancestry.com and start posting who you are, where you came from and connect if possible. If not ancestry, find another way to search for those hidden relatives and put dates together. Father in the army? When? Is it possible  he is or isn't the real father and same with god ol' mom. Maybe there was a kinship adoption and they never told you. Many families have family secrets. Take the lid off the pot and start stirring.

Adopt Me...Please

       What a great Sunday Morning it is today. Are you a person who wants to adopt but feels you can't afford it. Well I'm here to pass along some facts to make that process easier.  Every state has what's called S.W.A.N. Statewide adoption network. This is a site for waiting children. Please take a look.
       Another way is to become a foster parent. Use an agency and call around for interviews. Some agencies to be honest pay a lot more than others as they realize he needs and what foster parents do deserve to be paid. Even with that when you think about being responsible twenty-four hours a day, it then comes down to not much, yet in one or two paychecks it can help the child and you as a second or first job. But you must have some kind of income prior to fostering.
       So to try to be brief, start as a foster parent and let them know you want to adopt. Tell them age and gender, race, religion if it matters. Make sure you're honest. Think about where you live too and if the new child will be happy there. I live in an almost white area and a neighbor who lives so very close, tells me they are Christian (giving a bad name) yet is a bigot, and drove the boy I had, away.
       If you adopt through foster care, it's free and you also negotiate, for a monthly stipend which can't be over the amount you receive for fostering. I know, negotiate? Yup, I felt the same way. Negotiate for a child, but the state insists.
      Many people think if they go through a private agency and get a baby, chances are better to have a more well rounded child. Nurture vs, nature. But look at that another way. We don't even know how our own kids will turn out because at some point in life the choices they make, are made by them, not us. Please, take a look at statewide adoption network. SWAN. If adoption scares you in fostering a child, think about becoming a legal guardian. Everything is almost the same, including a stipend, however if down the road the child's nature becomes such a problem you can no longer handle, or work with him or her, you can be released from Guardianship and I am only guess with this part, keep him in your home, back to fostering with the help and support from an agency.
  Good luck. There are thousands of children waiting for a home. Christmas will be here before we know it again. Take a chance, take a child :)
 

One Generation in Your Name?

       Names are so confusing in these times. Many years ago we identified with a name and able to tell a heritage. Now people of so many races have a same last name as well as cultures. My last name is important to me only because of my children. In that I am thinking of adding a name so I have both last names of my kids, all grown up as they are and probably wouldn't care. But I also identify strongly with my mothers last name as it's so cultural. It's Norwegian. My male parent as you can tell I hesitate to mention parent was Scottish and English. I minimally identify with that side, and mainly I am known to myself as a Viking !

     Here is why I write about this. A sad time ago, and not long ago a family member mentioned to my child that she's still a------- and always will be weather she likes it or not. I said nothing but it burned in me. This was at a funeral of a child, not the place nor time to get into crap, and I will never as I know if my child feels it necessary to correct anyone about her name, she will indeed. Both of my children are very strong about their side of history, family, lands and belonging, as am I.
    When you have name and you want your kids to be part of that name it should be a name you feel proud of. My childhood last name isn't something I would ever be proud of. Maybe I take it too serious and maybe it isn't the name, but a person or persons and those horrible growing up years.
    I'm sure many reading this understand that. Some things no matter how you change, no matter how you grow in spite of that family, just don't wash away.

    On another note. What about kids who are adopted ? Don't they have a right to have inserted somewhere in their name a family member they can trace. Aren't they owed some choice ? I know there are sucky parents who lose their kids and many kids don't want to find them but many do. In some sad situations it's a matter of mental health, yet I know people who over time change and receive the proper help, so why shouldn't a kid get a chance to know that parent. Then there are people so mentally unstable, they have a lot of kids who also carry the gene, become mentally unstable yet with today's Mental Health help, they have a better chance at MH improvement. So do they have a right o know who their parents are? Whew and I do take a deep breath as I write this-I don't know. It's all individual.
      Time to almost say good-night, sleep well, and make your name who you want to be. :)

Adoption Law=USA

       Let's get one thing out of the way. I am all for adoption. Why though do so many people go to other countries to adopt babies? Because they are babies and it seems it's a popular thing to do when you have the money or celebrity to do just that.
       I deeply believe people should have to adopt in the country where they have their citizenship. If you live in the USA, You should have to adopt here. Here is at least one big reason why people want babies: they don't have the past baggage that most kids have who are over four to six years old. They think if they adopt a cute new, or almost new baby they won't face the same problems if they adopted an older child. Many times they won't because they are building  foundations of : security,  wealth, family connections, stability and belonging as well as and just as important a choice of better medical care.
       Adopting an older child you get a medical card which leaves you with few choices, and you get all of his or her emotions which include such unimaginable diagnosis that make people run. There are any who adopt to take on that challenge and many kids return to foster care, sadly. They simply cannot trust and or attach. Adoptive parents do get a stipend. I met a teenager who said she asked her adoptive mom about that as she felt mom wasn't spending money on clothes that she needed. She walked into a laundromat, slid down to the floor and started writing. Sure she could have given me  a one sided story, except I heard it too many times and have seen it too. This isn't to say all adoptive parents treat their kids this way. Many kids get close to teenage years and decided to rebel, think I'll see how much they really love me and do their best to destroy the family relationship. Well her mom said she doesn't get any money for her, but her adoptive sister got the mail one day and saw mom had a check from a place unfamiliar and that girl opened it. There was specific words and she knew it was for adoption.
    I think a law should be enacted to adopt only in your own country as we are sending a message to further add to the feeling, our kids just are not good enough. I know you may be thinking, how come I don't adopt or did I? No, but I am way too old to adopt. IT does take special people to adopt a child, and I don't mean a cute new baby who is obviously from another country. When you adopt, services are included to get help when needed, even respites to get a needed break at times. Many, many kids do great with adoption, so check out SWAN an adoption network. Good Luck-oh by the way, we send our products to other countries, we buy foreign products every day. So at the very least, bring home an American child, a child raised in America, a child who has American citizenship.

Foster Care & Adoption, an Easier Way

      There are many posts on line with people looking for a child to adopt, and usually they want a .baby. Why? Because they think  a baby has a better chance of growing up normally. But does the parent who is about to sign over the child tell a full truth as to, did they really use drugs, or drink alcohol? Those things are sometimes never revealed.
    So why not start as a pre-adoptive foster parent. There are so many kids who need good homes. Guarantees? Can you guarantee you're a perfect person, so how would a child?
    Please take time, call local foster care agencies, ask every question you should prior to a meeting, have written down. Foster parents are paid, and depending on what agency or county it's all different and they're are levels of care. Pay depends on that too, as it should. Even if you average it out to a twenty-four hour day, well you'd be surprised.
    Yet it's well worth it especially if you are looking to adopt a child who wants you as much as you want them. Many new adoptive parents don't know this next thing. If you adopt through a foster care agency, you will continue to receive an adoption stipend, helping with every day living until your child is either eighteen or possible twenty-two, in college.
     A last note about that perfect child you're searching for. How many parents who have had their own biological children, started out doing everything right are now visiting their kids in jail, or going to schools just made for trouble makers, dealing drugs, become alcoholics and worse, run-a-ways, not even knowing where there kids are.
    Take time, go slow. A child is waiting just for you.

Sex & Siblings ?

     I know. It's a disgusting title but I wanted something to get your attention. This is serious. Recently I found out and I have heard about this before but didn't pay as much attention to this fact: How many times does a man marry, have children, move so often that the siblings have different last names and don't know of other half-siblings existence.That man or men don't want to tell the new family that they have completely abandoned kids on the Eats Coast, or West Coast, or the Midwest, so they start anew, leaving children all over.
    Besides that, what about families who get spilt up due to foster care and adoption. Adoptive parents no longer have to have sibling contact and most don't because they want their new children to "move on."
    A few years ago a young man stopped by to do some work, said he was getting married soon. Marriage came, and back to work. At the after party he found out the young lady he married was his cousin. Because of names changes, family moving, re marriages he never knew just how close he and his new wife were. They did decide to remain married but won't have children.
     My point is, people, stop jumping into bed with someone you have just met or only had a few dates with. Know them, really know them, background, family history, adoption, foster care, single parents? You really need that information.
      I learned of a half sibling when I was about nineteen and so many years later find out that one brother out of six, happened to be born two months apart from another brother. Parents hide secrets because they don't want to admit to mistakes. Then there are the parents who simply never marry so kids take on either the fathers name or the mothers name. Years pass and they  separate and move. One parent take the son, another the daughter...I could go on with all kinds of examples. Please be careful and parents, you'll get more from your kids by telling them at appropriate times and ages those kinds of secrets. They have a right to know...or do you want them bring a sibling home to marry, after they've already been having sex?